One of our Communications Group members asked me to write a section for our webpage aimed at Newcomers so they would know what to expect when they attended the church. There are whole books devoted to helping people navigate the dangerous waters of back pew surfing. But hopefully, this will make people feel a little more at ease before they attend New Hope:
Park your Harley right next to all of the other iron ponies out front. You’ll probably have to push your way through a bunch of overweight, smoking hippie types to get to the door, but don’t worry, we don’t let ‘em light up their cancer sticks inside ‘cept during the special smoker’s service on Remember the Martyr’s Fires Sunday.
Inside the church you’ll have to give us the make and model of your ride, as we like to keep track of those kind of things. We won’t ask nothin about you, cause we know you might be wanted, and we want you to be comfortable with your anonymity. Just stop by the visitor’s table and pick up your free guide to all the local biker events, as well as a special coupon for an oil change and wash provided by Iron Pony in Westerville (the owners are charter members).
You can find your way to the sanctuary by followin the sound of Hank William’s Jr’s voice preparin us durin the pre-service with a couple verses from “Little White Church in the Dell.” Someone will probably stuff an order of service into your hands at some point in the foyer. Don’t worry if you can’t read, just follow along the best you can as things get movin. After the sound guys turn Hank off, Hog will stand up and give us a welcome and some announcements. If he finds out you’re visitin with us, you should probably be warned that he likes to make you stand up and show us your tattoos. We especially like it if you’ve got some that have religious significance. We only ask that you be careful about which ones you show us and where…if you know what we mean. We’re sure glad to have you here!
Followin the tattoo-tell-all, Betty Joe will get our worship goin in a fine style by beltin out a couple special numbers she wrote herself. She used to be a groupie with Black Sabbath, but she’s learned to take all that great rock-n-roll and put good words to it. We try to keep the musicians in the back of the sanctuary, just because honestly, they’re so ugly it is distractin to most. The music will just kind of blow past you from behind, and don’t be shocked if people start shoutin and swayin. A couple of us even like to hop on top of one another’s shoulders and wave our bic lighters in the air, so feel free to flick yours as well.
After the free concert, Tex will read a section out of the Biker’s Bible, lead us in a word of prayer, and ask us what we believe. Just nod your head and say “amen” like the rest of us while he’s reading, that way you’ll fit right in. Here’s the prayer so you can practice, “God is great, God is Good, He gave me a Harley, Like I knew He would. Let me ride in straight, And do nothing wrong, Till You take me to heaven, Where I’ll ride it long. Amen.” When he asks you what bikin believers believe, just say, “I believe I was a prisoner of the highway, but Jesus came to set me free. I used to ride my bike just my way, but now I’ve given the handlebars to Thee. I give you the clutch, the brakes, and the throttle. Amen.” If you can do all of that, you’re in, and the sermon will be a piece of cake.
Speakin of the sermon, there ain’t much to worry about here. Our preacher, a current chaplain for the Hell’s Angels, will light your fire! He likes to jump about a bit, and spit, and sometimes swear a little, but you’ll be inspired to ride for Jesus like never before. Smooth Joe accompanies him on the organ the whole time he’s preachin, and it is downright movin. When he gets done, we all usually rush the stage and fall down at the altar repentin of somethin. He puts his hand on all our foreheads and prays a bit, callin down fire from heaven. We’ll give you a rag to wipe his sweat off you before you go back to your seat.
When it’s all over, we like to pass a helmet around and collect some money, so kindly bring along some cash so we don’t have to ask for an IOU and hold up the whole process. After the service, stick around for some brats, beer, and football. We’ve got a deal with a cool local cabbie if you need a ride home.
Oh, and about your kids, don’t bother bringin ‘em to all this. We don’t like ‘em, and frankly, most of our parents or children’s services took ours away from us long ago. See ya Sunday, man!
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